i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
