in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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