Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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