woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
