Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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