Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
not ubering you a puppy
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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