Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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