Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
