when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
