If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
