I can text with my tongue
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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