I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Randomize
