i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
So squirting runs in the family.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
