i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
