I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize