And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
