I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Randomize
