he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
