At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
