i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
