she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
