The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
