I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
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