Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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