This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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