If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
