im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
