I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize