a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
