I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
