We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
