i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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