I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
