Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
