i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
