Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
