I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
