i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
