I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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