So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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