I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
