were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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