you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
