break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
