This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
