my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We just shotgunned beers for America
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
