if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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