6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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