I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
