coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Randomize
