awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
