the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
