I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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