dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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