Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
