70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
