Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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