omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
