you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
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