I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
