Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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